New rumors swirl around death of Kim Jong Un

Is Kim Jong Un dead? Or “Un-dead?”

When the mysterious haircut-challenged North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un failed to appear on April 15th for his country’s most important holiday, rumors began to circulate that he had died.

Now rumors are beginning to circulate about the rumors.

To be honest, it’s getting to be as crazy as what happened to Carole Baskin’s husband on “Tiger King.” (Apparently, he wasn’t chopped up and fed to animals but “strangled and thrown out of an airplane over the Gulf of Mexico.”)

But we digress. Back to Kim.

So, one rumor is that he underwent open heart surgery on April 12th, which went horribly wrong. A Chinese medical team arrived too late to save him (perhaps because they were busy containing another botched lab experiment on icky menu items).

Another report says he didn’t die when the operation to insert a stent failed, but it didn’t go well when the surgeon’s hands were shaking (no report on the surgeon’s whereabouts).

Other rumors say he may have been seriously injured during one of his trigger-happy short-range cruise missiles tests (which would be poetic justice).

“Kim was absent from the reports of the tests while no footage of the missile launch and the training of combat aircrafts was released, which points to a possibility of an unexpected accident that might have been caused by debris or fire,” said Lee Jeong Ho who defected from North Korea to the United States.

Rumors of his death have not been helped by a photo widely circulated, purportedly showing a deceased Kim Jong Un-der glass. However, the image is most likely a doctored photo from his father’s 2011 funeral. So ignore that.

In an effort to contradict the rumors of his, death a state-run newspaper has reported that Kim sent a personal letter to builders working on a tourism project in Wonsan on the east coast of his empire. There’s no proof the letter is genuine.

But South Korean media says US spy planes had indeed tracked down the dictator and his entourage at his beachside palace in Wonsan.

In fact, South Korea believes that to be true.

“Our government position is firm,” Moon Chung-in, South Korean President Moon Jae-in’s top foreign policy advisor, told CNN.

“Kim Jong Un is alive and well. He has been staying in the Wonsan area since April 13. No suspicious movements have so far been detected.”

No suspicious movements, other than the heart surgeon’s shaky hands.

Speaking of movements, North Koreans are apparently panic-buying toilet paper. Not because of widespread intestinal problems or even coronavirus, but over concern about Kim Jong Un’s possible death.

Per the Washington Post, “there’s been panic buying in the capital, where locals are stocking up on everything from laundry detergent and rice to electronics to liquor. They started snapping up all imported products first, but in the past few days there’s been a run on domestically produced items, too, such as canned fish and cigarettes.”

Anybody been watching the ESPN documentary on Michael Jordan called “The Last Dance?” Last night’s episodes featured Jordan’s rivalry with none other than Dennis Rodman. Seriously, why hasn’t anyone asked Dennis Rodman about Kim Jong Un’s whereabouts? Surely, he’d know.

Waaaait a minute. When was the last time we saw Dennis Rodman??